There’s no getting around it: if you’ve got a cabin, you’re gonna have visitors. Friends, family, business associates, friends of friends who “just happened to be in the neighborhood” — the woods are crawling with boorish, demanding, dismissive and altogether disruptive people who’ll think nothing of interrupting your hard earned tranquility with their selective appetites and unquenchable thirsts, and unless you take the bull by the horns, you might end up taking a guest by the throat.
To avoid the possibility of hurt feelings, not to mention costly litigation, post the following list at all entrances. Place it on the guest bed’s pillow like a complementary chocolate. Serve it with the paper and the morning coffee. But whatever you do, make sure your guests understand the terms and conditions of your cabin. Your sanity, not to mention their good health, depends on it.
How Not To Get Invited Back To My Cabin
- Wait to tell me you’re a vegetarian until after I’ve started grilling the hamburgers.
- Bring your Great Dane. Insist he sleep inside.
- Give my phone number to your office, your broker, you mechanic and your therapy group.
- Use my name as a reference when you’re trying to break a hundred down at the café.
- Chuckle at the contents of my wine rack.
- Ask me what the area code is for Seattle.
- Insist Mother Nature sounds better when accompanied by your Def Leppard CD.
- Invite your boss along.
- Ignore any of the following signs: No Wake, No Smoking, No Hunting, Don’t Touch.
- Forget your prescriptions at home, forcing me to spend a day shuttling you back and forth to the pharmacy.
- Forget your prescriptions at the cabin, forcing me to spend a day trying to Fed Ex them back home to you.
- Forget to take your prescriptions, forcing me to spend a day waiting in the local Emergency Room.
- Express your fondness for freshly ground Ethiopian Sidamo as I’m pouring you a cup of Folgers.
- Raise a stink that the local tackle shop doesn’t carry four inch frosted grape split-tail Assassinator finesse worms.
- Scan my bookshelf and ask me if I’ve got anything to read.
- Give me the name of a good plumber who can solve my water pressure problem.
- Ask me where I keep the carpet cleaner.
- Complain that the mini mart doesn’t stock Newcastle Brown Ale.
- Interrupt my afternoon nap by asking me what I do for fun.